crying, again

This is going to be an emotional post.

Having two kids, well, babies really, is so incredibly hard. I feel like I need to document exactly how I am feeling, that way, when I finally have it together and start thinking about how great another baby would be, I can read it and remember that my husband is gone all the time, because of his job, and that makes it even more difficult and then I can change my mind. I am not even kidding. Once again, I find myself at the end of the day and at the end of my rope. Aaron and I have been fighting more and more. Its mostly me fighting with him really. It really eats at me that he is off in DC having fun, by himself, with his best friend, and I am here in CO, yes with my family, but also with an almost 2 year old, that is a typical-stubborn-fun to be around-2 year old, and a 3 1/2 week newborn. And No, I wouldn't expect him to just sit at home, alone, in NC for the 4 days he had off just so he could relate to what I am going through (for one thing it wouldn't even come close because he can still come and go as he pleases, go running and to the gym when he feels like it, and even go to the bathroom and eat when needed, all with privacy!). Any way, yet again, me being the overly sensitive hormonal woman that I am, I over-reacted to a very insensitive comment, joke, he made.

When we talked on the phone later, I was still upset about it, but not talking about it, and then it just came out, and then he said more stupid shit, and I mostly stayed quiet, because for some reason whenever this happens I just want to run and hide (when we were in college, and 1800 miles away, we'd get into the most ridiculous, stupid, pointless, drunk, arguments over the phone, and we'd both be yelling). Well of course I do finally speak my mind/feelings, nothing is resolved and I end the conversation and hang up because its about 10pm and Kelly is still awake (another thing on a very long list that has annoyed me from her and this whole situation). But as I lay in bed, next to Kelly, trying to get her to sleep, I start getting very worked up about the non-resolution of the conversation, so after I start crying, I calmly call him back to tell him I would like to talk to him tomorrow, so could he please call me. Well, of course this is completely weird, because duh, like he's not going to call me, fighting or not, but I still felt the need to call him to tell him to call. So it obviously weirded him out, because then he called me back a few minutes later, and we finally had it out. Not more fighting, but me crying a lot, and him finally hearing what is bothering me, I guess because I was finally telling him. In the end we made up but I am still sad, and back crying again. I feel so stupid for feeling like this, which only makes me feel worse. And my goddamn anxiety only makes that and everything else worse.

I talk to my mom about it, which helps a lot. She keeps telling me things will get better, and will get easier-she had 6 kids, pretty much completely by herself, working full time, so she knows. I just wish I could fast-forward to that point.

I am able to keep it together all day and put on a strong front, then I breakdown at night. It sends mix messages to Aaron, who thinks I am doing fine, maybe even good, then all of a sudden I pick a fight, and blabla. But I told him now, that I have to be strong all day, but that really its not exactly how it may seems most of the time.

-sigh-

I really need to have more sleep. <4 hours a night of broken sleep is not cutting it. Unfortunately that won't be happening for a long time. I just hope I don't annoying him so much that it drives him away from me, because that will only make me worse. ugh, I really hate the way I feel right now. I finally broke down and took 1/2 a xanex. I have a medication book called Medications and Mother's Milk or something. Its a drug book alllll related to breastfeeding and the risks, non-risks, involved with taking meds and breastfeeding. It basically said that although not ideal, the amount that goes into breast milk wouldn't, or most likely wouldn't have any effect on baby because its so minuscule and that if used only for acute circumstances, and not long term on a daily basis, it was okay. So, I took it. Its now 11:30pm, my breasts are overfilled with milk, and I need to go to sleep, so I can get my 4 hours. And I think I am finally starting to feel the wondrous medication because I am calm, calm enough to face the rest of my night. (and then of course in the back of my mind I am aware that this really can not become routine, because relying on medication to cope never solves anything either.)