Wow, the past 2 days I have been all over the emotional map. I have an anxiety disorder. I have since I can remember. I used to be medicated for it with Celexa, xanex, and ambien, and at one point seroquel (that didn't last long, way too fogging the next day). But, when I found out I was pregnant with Kelly I had to stop taking everything. It was very difficult. I found out I was pregnant 3 days before moving cross country back to New York to work my first job as an RN at the University of Rochester, and Aaron left to go away to boot camp for 16 weeks. What an emotional roller coaster that was, my God! It was beyond awful, for so many reasons, between being put on nights when I got off orientation, which was too soon in my opinion, to never being able to talk to Aaron, to being a new nurse that didn't know shit about shit, to living far, far away from my mom and brothers and sisters. Anyways, I got over it, got off the celexa and xanex right quick, because those can cause birth defects, and had to slowly wean off the ambien, but did, and that was fine too. After Kelly was born, I don't think I had like post-partum depression, but definitely some blues. But in any case, I never went back on the meds. Aaron is very anti-psychological illnesses, meaning he doesn't believe depression and PSTD, and things like that really exist, for most people, and he is very skeptical of the medications. He knew I took them, and though never said so, I would bet he never thought I really needed them, especially since I never went back on them completely...I would occasionally take a xanex to take the edge off, like maybe once a month or two, or 1/2 an ambien if I really could not sleep and it had been a couple days in a row like that, but that's really it...I never did mention it to Aaron when I did, mostly because it doesn't feel like he really understands that sometimes those drugs are needed, plus since it was so infrequent, I didn't think it was that big of a thing.
To make a long story short, my anxiety disorder has not been cured and does resurface from time to time. I am definitely better at coping than I used to be, but its still there.
So, any ways. Lately I have been on the brink of some pretty severe anxiety. This all surfaced in absolutely no relation to baby. Well, maybe that contributes to it, sure, but it was not the root cause. In any case, I've been either on the verge of crying or actually doing so. On our walk this morning it was really bad, Layla slept the entire time, and I ended up walking over 3 miles. I would have gone probably twice that, it does help my anxiety, but it was getting hot, and I am still trying to focus on recovery and not calorie burning/weight loss. Plus my pubis symphysis pain & dysfunction is getting worse and worse on a daily basis and I really don't like relying on strong pain meds to relieve the pain enough for me to be comfortable to sleep, plus we have to change our Tricare insurance, so I won't be able to get to a doctor for more medicine anytime soon, so yeah, trying not to need to take it.
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Fast-forward to the evening. Aaron comes home, things are fine. We are trying to go online to pay another large chunk towards my student loans. I graduated owing $45,000, for just the last 2 years of nursing school. (that's what you get when you go to school out of state, and take extra money for vacations while in school and after graduation, ha!). So far over $35,000 has been paid in the last 2 1/2 years. I have enough to pay it now, but for whatever reason, Aaron prefers making smaller, large, payments every few months, in addition to the regular monthly payments. I let him deal with the finances, because I don't really care, he knows more about it than me. I've basically paid about half of it myself, and the other half, or more, Aaron has paid, but since our monies are joint, I guess we've both paid, but you get it. Anyways, so we were trying to make another $5000 payment (the rest will be paid at the end of the summer) and the internet was beings super slow and lame. Then Aaron starting studying for one of his last exams, they are learning dentistry right now, and so Layla woke up, by now it was her usual "witching hour"-but she ate, no problem, even on the right side (she had been rejecting it for about 2 weeks at all daytime feedings), and then chilled for about 30 mins and went back to sleep (praise God!)...
Then, the door bell rings and Aaron gets up and asks me to answer it--so I did, thinking, ok, kinda weird considering he knows I hate answering the door (too many weirdos and serial rapists running loose), but I did. And wouldn't you know it, it was a florist, delivering me flowers! Aaron has never sent me flowers before. He's given me flowers, sure, but never like this! I was instantly so happy-so cliche, but whatever, what girl doesn't love to get flowers?! The note said: I know I'm not perfect, But you're perfect for me...I love you the Mostest!! Love, Dork-Squad Commander --( we have a lot of ridiculous nicknames for each other)----It was basically the sweetest gesture. And, my anxiety gone. I know it will come back, because I have a tendency to remember things that bother me, that I am over, but then it will bother me again later, not as much, and over time it does fade, but it still comes back.
Things are getting better, I can feel it!
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