written May 28th

I should have gone to bed already, but this is my only time to myself, without a baby hanging off of me. Layla actually just woke up, but is being quite, with the paci in her mouth, so I will keep writing while I can.

I seem to be adjusting to this much better than I was a few weeks ago. Granted I still have help, since I am still at my mom’s house, but I am asking for less help, and getting less help too. My mom had been waking up early, like before or around 0900am and helping me out, or going on our walks with me and the babes or to the playground, but I’ve been letting her sleep in and not going in to bother her till she comes downstairs first. It is also still nice that there is usually someone around to occupy Kelly when I need to focus my attention on just Layla (i.e. like when I am feeding her), or need to use the bathroom, or want to go for a run outside as oppose to on the treadmill. I also haven’t had any meltdowns anytime recently…well, there was one night when Layla was still awake at 1230 AM and I was beyond exhausted and ready to bang my head against the wall. Finally that night I went into my mom’s room, who by the way never sleeps, and said, “here, take her please, I can’t do this anymore” and she did and of course Layla stopped crying almost immediately and fell asleep within minutes.

Basically this week the weather was still shitty most of the time, as in rainy-cloudy-chilly, so not too many park days until yesterday and today and maybe one other day. I did run everyday this week, though one of the runs was more like run-walk holding Layla-run-walking with Layla, etc. All the runs have been 3.5mi-5miles, except today which was only 30 mins, but we also did the riverwalk in Pueblo, so that was at least 1.5miles. I’ve also done abs like 3 times and 50 squats holding Layla twice. Oh, and did I mention I keep gaining weight? I was up to 127 at some point this week, then back to 124, and today 125. I really should stop weighing myself, but I feel like I am getting bigger instead of smaller. Even if all I were doing was gaining muscle, it should make me smaller, yes? Because its tighter. But, my clothes are not fitting any better, my panties make my ass look just big to me, even though I have always have like a nonexistent ass. Weird. I don’t know what to make of it. Its probably from all the junk food I continue to eat, despite these facts.

The Riverwalk and Pueblo were fun today. We went down to see Sean. We had lunch at a Mexican restaurant, did the riverwalk, Kelly was so cute she basically walked almost the entire thing, stopping at anything that seemed the least bit interesting. Its funny to think that so many things she was seeing for the first time in her entire life. All the things we take for granted and see passed, she sees as beautiful objects there for her visual pleasure. She loved the mallards, the waterfalls and of course the bridges. After the walk we stopped at a candy shop where I bought then ate way too much. It was fun. I carried Layla in the snuggly after she woke up and I fed her, and since Kelly walked, we pushed around an empty stroller, but that’s ok. Honey Girl had fun too, I’m surprised she made it the whole walk, she is so lazy.

I should say about my brother Sean… He voluntarily went down there, via bicycle, all 57 miles, to live at a rescue mission. His plan was to ride to Sante Fe, NM, and eventually live out of a storage unit, but he made it to Pueblo and liked it so much, and plus the weather got crazy, he decided to stay and has been there since about May 9^th. Yes, my older brother is homeless, but its completely by choice. He has done this in Colorado Springs, until he was banned from the shelter downtown, and in Hollywood, FL. He is 27 ½, and lives on social security disability. He has been hospitalized at least a dozen times. Its not that he is a psycho or anything, I honestly don’t think he has anything wrong with him other than he has in my opinion given up on life. Though he would say the same about me, because I buy into the idea of having finished college, starting a career and a family, and bought a house, etc. The only meds he is on is an antidepressant and ambian prn. He spends absolutely no money whatsoever. At the rescue mission he lives at, he gets the same warm bunk-bed, hot showers with clean towels, soap, shampoo, lotion, etc, and has his choice of multiple different places to receive free breakfasts, lunches, and dinner. During the day he walks, visits the library (he loves to read), museums, art galleries, etc. He has devoted his entire life to art and following the world of God. He writes a lot and has completed multiple novels I am sure. He was married, though that didn’t work out, but we still keep in touch with hid ex-wife. They were together like 7 or 8 years before they divorced, though only married for about 5 months. Anyway, that’s Sean.

So lets see what else. Aaron and I went on a sort of date. I call it a sort of date because we weren’t alone and I only stayed out for about 45 mins. We hung out here, after I nursed Layla for what would be at least 4 hours I had a drink, then went to the bar, I ordered one more drink, finished it, then when my sister Colleen got there she drove me home. Aaron’s roommate was also there. Colleen went back to the bar, because her bf was there and they all hung out together. I had a good time while out. Apparently all I missed was some girl hitting on Aaron, who kept blowing her off and not engaging her (all according to my sister, who was sober) and then eventually my sister couldn’t take her annoyingness and completely went off on the little bitch. I thought the whole story was pretty hilarious, especially because colleen went nuts, haha, its so not like her. Aaron just laughed too.

Yesterday Aaron and the girls and I went over to his parents house. They were out of town, so for once it was just us. I defrosted some organic chicken and we grilled out. The sides included organic brown rice and organic green beans. Not the most tasty of dinners, but at least it was healthy. We started to watch a movie but didn’t finish it because Kelly kept having meltdowns. His parents house is really fancy compared to my mom’s and there is hardly anything she is really allowed to touch or play with, so keeping her occupied and out of trouble is also a challenge. We ended up just coming back here and putting Kelly to bed and hanging out a bit longer. It was still a good night.

Aaron is only here another week. This makes me really sad to think about. I have really enjoyed the fact that we are in Colorado, all together. I wish when he was going back that he was going right to Sage. Because at least then he would be in the field, and I wouldn’t be able to see or talk to him anyways. But no, he is just going back to NC for 2 weeks of class and then 2 weeks off, the Sage. Maybe we’ll go back? Doubtful. We would end up coming back here while he’s in Sage anyways…who wants to stay all alone, in a place that has been ridiculously hot!? Not me.

Oh yeah, we got our YMCA memberships…and have I even gone yet? Not a once. It just always seems to work out that I end up running during the day or getting up early to do it before the babies wake up. I really want to start going back though so I can do strength training and yoga again. The other problem was the weather not cooperating, because my plan is to walk up there, and can’t if its raining or hailing.

And I have received some of my cloth diapers, but not even close to all of them, so I haven’t started that yet either. In fact I should have received like 12 more 2 days ago, but they haven’t come yet, and that pisses me off a bit. I really hope I wasn’t scammed!

In other news, Josh and Sara are expecting their first child. I have SO much to say about this, but 11pm at night is not the time. So later.

Tomorrow the babes and I and Colleen are going to Territory Days tomorrow. Aaron and Jerimiah (the roommate) are meeting us there. We are also going on Monday to meet up with Kendall (33 weeks pregnant) and Brandon, our friends from Fayetteville. Brandon just got back from Iraq. He graduated from the Q-course last October, so been a green beret since then, and they moved our here shortly there after. Hopefully Kendall’s sister comes also, she just had a baby at the end of Feb and I am dying to meet the little one.

OK, for real, gonna brush my teeth, then go cuddle with my hubby upstairs until Layla-bug wakes back up and needs to eat.

a good past few days

The past few days have been really good. Layla has still had her usual fussiness in the evenings, but even that we seem to been figuring out, because she fusses shorter amounts of time and is easily soothed with the right amount of attention and cuddling. Everyday she is more and more interactive. Yes, she still sleeps a lot (Praise Jesus!), but when she is awake, she is very content, loves to kick her legs and pump her arms, smile, and coo. We have been giving her the pacifer (the green ones they use in the hospital), and she will still pacify herself on me, which is fine, but when I am busy (usually with Kelly), she accepts the "dummy" and is fine.

She is not on any set schedule yet, that will come in time, she is after-all only 5 weeks old! During the day she usually nurses at 0545, 0830-0900, 1130, then if I run I will try to feed her right before, so like 1300, then afternoon usually like at 1600, then almost hourly (because she is so fussy), until like 8pm, the once more late, like 1030-11pm, the she will sleep a lot of times until I wake her up because my boobs are so full it wakes me up like around 0300 (I usually end up just pumping because she is so sleepy and not really hungry, she won't nurse more than like 5mins/side). All in all, she take in like 7-8 really good feedings  a day and then however many other "snacks" she wants. She is getting so big!

So I threw my back out on Wednesday. I don't know what I did exactly, it was probably because I was holding Layla over my shoulder and also trying to vacuum at the same time. My back felted all jacked up after, and then when I woke up yesterday morning I thought I was going to die! I couldn't twist at all from side to side or bend over at all. Of course instead of resting I decided to try to run-BAD IDEA! I ended up only running like 2 miles and walking like another 1.5, all at like 5+% inclines. Holding Layla most of the day and walking her really made it tired by the night and it hurt so bad! Like, 10/10 on pain scale! I am a wimp when it comes to pain, how I ever made it through child birth with nothing idk, thank God of my doula Doris Ann, I don't think I could have done it without her. Any way, I took one of my pain pills I had for the pelvic pain and that helped a little, combined with 800mg motrin.

Later in the night, when I knew Layla was good for a long several hour stretch, and Kelly was in bed, Aaron came over with his roommate and when Colleen got home from work we all went to Back East while my mom babysat. It was fun to get out without the babies for adult time. I had almost 2 bluemoons, and A LOT of water. The entire time I was out I was exhausted and thought about Layla and Kelly. Its really hard being away from them, as much as I need the break. It was really fun. I ended up driving Aaron and his roomie back to his mom's house (3 miles from my mom's) and then I came home and stayed up talking with my mom for a little bit, then finally went to bed. It was a really good night!

Today, I took both babies to the grocery store by myself for the first time. It was a breeze! I hope its always that easy. We were only there like 15 or 20 mins, Layla needed diapers, and Layla was asleep in her carseat, but yeah, no biggie :)

My back still hurts, but is loosening up, so I did run today, on the mill, 4.10 miles, with 0-2% inclines, 6.0mph-6.6mph, I felt pretty good, other than my back. And I did some abs. Because of how badly I've been eating (left over cake and ice cream everyday, + alcoholic beverages, thought only like maybe 1 or 2 drinks, like every other day or so, its still empty calories! my body loves to hold on to alcohol calories and sweets calories...I can eat cheese and other garbage all day long and never gain weight, but if I have a beer or eat dessert, forget it!) I now weigh like 125 or more :( I liked it better when I was like 122. Maybe I am gaining myo? I doubt it, its only been a week of working out...ahhh...but I love junk food. oh well.

Then Aaron came over in the afternoon and we went to his Mom's after Kelly's nap and hung out with her until evening, then we all went out to eat at Wyatt's. Again, Layla slept through dinner (I woke her up to feed her before we left, so I wouldn't have to at the restaurant) and it was a success. When we got home after, Aaron went back to his hotel, I put Kelly to bed then woke Layla up to change her diaper, and feed her, and now she is asleep. So strange she can be so fussy for so many days, then have an amazingly happy-sleepy day and night. Its a nice break (hopefully I'm not jinxing myself but saying something).

Ok, I am going to bed so tired, but in a good way! :)

My baby's 2nd birthday

So first I will say that Aaron and I talked about everything that was bothering me the very next day after Sunday, so duh, it was Monday, and in essence, we made up. I was a bit mistaken about things, and as always, completely overreacting. Of course he wants to be a full-time dad and husband, and loves coming over, and all. I just have to remember that he is here on TDY, and that he has an important job to do while he is here, i.e. make a very good impression on all the people he meets, meet the right people, and make such an impression on everyone that he gets orders to move here in August. Also, probably the most important thing I have to remember is that no one else got to go where their family is, and if his cadre or whoever is in charge realized, they probably wouldn't be okay with it. Plus, he's been coming over every day after work and did only miss 2 days....yes, my name is Erin, and I am c-r-a-z-y!

So today was my dear Kelly's birthday, 2nd one to be exact. I want to write her birth story, but will have to save it for another post. I will say that we had a wonderful day. We went to the library, so I could print her coupon for free ice cream from baskin robbins, Layla and my mom went with us, and ever Daddy (aaron) was able to drive up and meet us. Kelly loved it! Then we came back home and she actually ate lunch (tuna fish sandy-with mayo, she LOVES mayo ((I hate mayo!)) and homemade broccoli cheddar soup and milk. She is now on organic 2%, instead of whole. I am weaning her down to skim, she probably wouldn't even notice if I just gave her skim now, but she is so skinny, I don't think the extra fat will be bad per say.

Both girls had their well baby checks on Tuesday. Here are the stats:

Kelly Ruth
Age 24 months
weight 24.9lbs (wearing pants, shirt, and diaper); they weighed her on the standing scale for the first time
Height 33inches
Vocabulary ~25 words
motor skills: eats with spoon, fork, draws with pencils/crayons, etc, jumps with both feet off the ground, walks up/down stairs, runs, stacks block towers up to 12+
Needs: Speech therapy still; she only completely 4 weeks while we were in NC, but needs about 6 months of weekly appointments


Layla Marie
Age 5 weeks
weight 8lbs 6oz
Motor skills: lifts head off floor during belly time and turns from side to side; has very good neck control, and has really since birth
Beginning to smile, social smile, coo, and just be even more cute on a daily basis

The rest of Kelly's birthday included playing with her new cozy coup, the kitchen- until she realized the sink is pretend and that no "wah wah" will come out of it. Birthday dinner was kinda not so great, I didn't make it, so wont go into it (we went to Back East last night with everyone, so that was kinda the "birthday dinner"), followed by funfetti cake with chocolate frosting and ice cream. She loved it. Eddie was over, as was daddy, and ryan and dylan of course we here, and my mom-Granny, and we sang Happy-Birthday and she was actually able to blow the candle out! What a big girl!!

I'll try to get pictures loaded soon.

In other news, I feel so fat and gross which it prob just bc of all the cake & ice cream I've eaten. I ran outside for the first time, on the trails by my house. It was really good, even with all the hills, high altitude (7,000 ft) and windy, I felt really good. I ran monday, 4.10 miles on the mill, followed by 200 sit ups--my abs are still sore! lol

ok, gotta go, layla needs me and I need her to go to bed so I can go cuddle with my hubby! <3

both asleep before 9pm!

This is a first. The first time both girls are asleep before 9! Of course Layla isn't in bed for the night, but she is still enabling me to get on the computer before I am too exhausted to do so :-P

We actually had a good night tonight, thus far. I guess I should mention that Aaron made it out here on Monday. He is doing his last clinical rotation at Evan's Hospital, on Ft Carson here in Colorado Springs. He is rooming with a fellow 18-delta, that is nice enough, but I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the guy, I just wish they weren't joined at the hip. Granted, its only been a few days, and today Aaron came over alone (Praise the Lord!), I just worry that they will be together a lot...They came over together yesterday and of course the first day. Its just awkward when Layla is crying and carrying on, I'm struggling to nurse her or try to get her to nurse while trying not to have a meltdown. I told Aaron yesterday how I felt after my mom dragged the poor guy with her to Best Buy and to run other errands. I think he probably figured it out, but we will see.

Whoa, spoke way too soon. Layla woke up, nursed on one side, then began her crying fit. I don't understand this little lady. Yesterday was absolutely horrible. She cried SOOooo much, many hours at least. Basically anytime she was awake, she was crying, fussing, etc. She refused to nurse after 1pm, so from then on I was struggling to try to get her to eat, she would start, then start fretting after the let-down. I thought maybe it was just too powerful for her, but no matter what I tried, nothing helped. Then she would tire herself out from crying (despite my best efforts at comforting her), and she would sleep, wake up shortly after, nurse (sort-of) on one side, then start up again. She was really gassy too, which was probably the issue. We did go on a nice long walk during one of her rest periods. I ended up pumping a lot yesterday. She took a bottle around 6pm. Eventually she nursed well again around 10pm, and then throughout the night. Today she was a delight and have no problems with nursing until a couple minutes ago. She ate on the right and refused the left, however only ate partly on the right. She's been snacking throughout the evening. I have been trying to avoid the pacifier, in case our problem is nipple confusion. It was working up until about 8pm, when she had been fussing for a while and didn't want to nurse, and we basically gave up. And now she is starring at me from her bouncy vibrating seat, with it in her mouth. At least she is happier though.

So today I went for a run. Not my first PP run, but my second. I ran on our treadmill in the basement. Kelly was napping, as was Layla, it worked out perfect. I watched my favorite show, One Life to Live, and listened to my Labor & Delivery playlist. I did 35 mins total went like this: 5:00 @6.2mph, walk 1:00 @4.2mph, jog 6:00 @6.3, walk 1:00, jog 7:00 @6.4, walk 1:00 @4.2, jog 9:00 @6.4-7.0mph. Then I walked the rest out. Total of 3.4miles. Then I stretched out well and did ABS for the first time since I found out I was pregnant, so like 9 months at least. It felt so bizarre, I have absolutely no strength in my stomach at at all. I really hate the way it looks right now. Its so loose and gross, especially when I am sitting, just hangs over. I mean yes, I can fit into my jeans, but its not pretty when sitting! ha ha, oh well, soon enough. My pubic bone hurt during the entire run, but whatever, I am not patient and didn't want to wait. For all I know it could be permanent and I could always be in pain, so screw it, I will run anyway! Plus it hurts even sitting and resting, and especially on soft surfaces like couches and in bed.

Speaking of the pain I got an appointment yesterday and went in. I was hoping to get a referral for physical therapy for the pelvic floor, but no such luck. Basically the doctor could only offer higher dose steroids, which I declined because the last round made me feel jittery all the time, or continue on the same therapy. So I will continue with the anti-inflammatory meds (Motrin, 800mg Q6-8hrs) & percocet for breakthrough pain, the kind that wakes me up and doesn't let me fall back to sleep. And wait it out for a few more weeks and then go from there.
~~~~~~~

I know I complain a lot, or vent but in reality I am not really this negative, seriously. I absolutely adore my babies, even with Layla's fussiness, she is a doll! Kelly has been so delightful too, especially the past few days when Aaron has been able to come over after his shifts at the hospital. She loves her daddy so much, seeing them interact together melts my heart. Aaron tries hard with Layla too, but unfortunately she is hard to sooth at this point, and still obviously very dependent upon me, which is fine, they'll get there. I know I was worried about Aaron bonding with Layla before, but I think I was definitely overreacting, they are adorable together too! And of course, I am still so in love with Aaron. I wish we had more alone time together. ::sigh::

Layla is at it again. Its gonna be a long night I have a feeling.....

crying, again

This is going to be an emotional post.

Having two kids, well, babies really, is so incredibly hard. I feel like I need to document exactly how I am feeling, that way, when I finally have it together and start thinking about how great another baby would be, I can read it and remember that my husband is gone all the time, because of his job, and that makes it even more difficult and then I can change my mind. I am not even kidding. Once again, I find myself at the end of the day and at the end of my rope. Aaron and I have been fighting more and more. Its mostly me fighting with him really. It really eats at me that he is off in DC having fun, by himself, with his best friend, and I am here in CO, yes with my family, but also with an almost 2 year old, that is a typical-stubborn-fun to be around-2 year old, and a 3 1/2 week newborn. And No, I wouldn't expect him to just sit at home, alone, in NC for the 4 days he had off just so he could relate to what I am going through (for one thing it wouldn't even come close because he can still come and go as he pleases, go running and to the gym when he feels like it, and even go to the bathroom and eat when needed, all with privacy!). Any way, yet again, me being the overly sensitive hormonal woman that I am, I over-reacted to a very insensitive comment, joke, he made.

When we talked on the phone later, I was still upset about it, but not talking about it, and then it just came out, and then he said more stupid shit, and I mostly stayed quiet, because for some reason whenever this happens I just want to run and hide (when we were in college, and 1800 miles away, we'd get into the most ridiculous, stupid, pointless, drunk, arguments over the phone, and we'd both be yelling). Well of course I do finally speak my mind/feelings, nothing is resolved and I end the conversation and hang up because its about 10pm and Kelly is still awake (another thing on a very long list that has annoyed me from her and this whole situation). But as I lay in bed, next to Kelly, trying to get her to sleep, I start getting very worked up about the non-resolution of the conversation, so after I start crying, I calmly call him back to tell him I would like to talk to him tomorrow, so could he please call me. Well, of course this is completely weird, because duh, like he's not going to call me, fighting or not, but I still felt the need to call him to tell him to call. So it obviously weirded him out, because then he called me back a few minutes later, and we finally had it out. Not more fighting, but me crying a lot, and him finally hearing what is bothering me, I guess because I was finally telling him. In the end we made up but I am still sad, and back crying again. I feel so stupid for feeling like this, which only makes me feel worse. And my goddamn anxiety only makes that and everything else worse.

I talk to my mom about it, which helps a lot. She keeps telling me things will get better, and will get easier-she had 6 kids, pretty much completely by herself, working full time, so she knows. I just wish I could fast-forward to that point.

I am able to keep it together all day and put on a strong front, then I breakdown at night. It sends mix messages to Aaron, who thinks I am doing fine, maybe even good, then all of a sudden I pick a fight, and blabla. But I told him now, that I have to be strong all day, but that really its not exactly how it may seems most of the time.

-sigh-

I really need to have more sleep. <4 hours a night of broken sleep is not cutting it. Unfortunately that won't be happening for a long time. I just hope I don't annoying him so much that it drives him away from me, because that will only make me worse. ugh, I really hate the way I feel right now. I finally broke down and took 1/2 a xanex. I have a medication book called Medications and Mother's Milk or something. Its a drug book alllll related to breastfeeding and the risks, non-risks, involved with taking meds and breastfeeding. It basically said that although not ideal, the amount that goes into breast milk wouldn't, or most likely wouldn't have any effect on baby because its so minuscule and that if used only for acute circumstances, and not long term on a daily basis, it was okay. So, I took it. Its now 11:30pm, my breasts are overfilled with milk, and I need to go to sleep, so I can get my 4 hours. And I think I am finally starting to feel the wondrous medication because I am calm, calm enough to face the rest of my night. (and then of course in the back of my mind I am aware that this really can not become routine, because relying on medication to cope never solves anything either.)

traveling with Layla-Bug by plane

I was beyond anxious about this, but in the end it really worked out. She gets really crabby in the evening. That's my opinion, my mom disagrees with me. I guess to me a baby that is crying and wants to be held, then not, doesn't want to eat, likes the pacifier but spits it out (by accident I'm sure), then cries or whines, and carries on like this for 1-3hrs, then sleeps. Anyway, this is when we were flying. BUT in the end, I nursed her before we left NC, they left me bring the car seat on, so she just slept in it the entire time, about an hour. Then when she woke up when we were getting off the plane, I couldn't feed her right away because had like 45 mins to get the the next gate and had to jump on the train at the Atlanta airport to get the the right terminal, blabla...so by the time we got to the gate, I couldn't change my seat (had a middle seat, yuck!), and the plane was completely full any ways. So Layla was crying, screaming really, then finally boarded, (I missed pre-boarding so had to wait in line). My row had 3 seats, no one was there yet, so I took the window, stuck my teet in her face, and she immediate started sucking and was soothed back to sleep after finishing.

Well, when the person, man, came whose seat I commandeered, he looked over, and being covered with a receiving blanket with little baby legs sticking out at one end, it was obvious what I was doing, so he said I could take his seat and he would try to switch with someone, i.e. a woman. Well, the woman that had the aisle admittedly refused to seat next to me, along with everyone else the boarded in the back with us. It was so fucking ridiculous. Its not as if I had my boobs hanging out for God's sake! In the end, the guy sat next to me and was really nice, he is ex-special forces, old, etc, so we got along just fine. And Layla slept the entire 3 hours of that flight, only to wake up after landing and again start demanding to be feed, but poor thing had to wait til we were off the plane, which took forever because we were at row 31!! Then, I still had to go to baggage claim and meet my mom who was picking me up. My cell phone died, so I couldn't even call and tell her I needed to feed her first. It was really sad, but then she got fed, very well, shortly there after.

Staying at my mom's is always nice, for the most part. There is a lot of people, 3 brothers (the oldest of which just left for a bike trip to Santa Fe, he is c-r-a-z-y though, we'll just leave it at that), 1 sister, my mom, a small dog. So there is a lot of drama, but I can live with it. And its nice having help, though I really feel like I have to do everything, because they are my babies...feeling this way though causes much frustration. My mom's house is much larger than our house in NC, with different levels, bedrooms are upstairs, and so I am constantly running up and down the stairs because of things I have forgotten, or to retrieve Kelly or whatever. BUT hey, I am getting more routine-type exercise, and I have lost another 2 pounds! Now, only 5 pounds above goal weight.

Yesterday I took both babies to the park that's a few bocks from here, we walked using the phil&teds. It would well because Layla slept the whole time (after we had to turn around and go home really quick so I could feed her, we only got to the bottom of the driveway that time). Kelly wasn't that into it, bt we stayed for about an hour anyways, then walked to the YMCA, and I got info on memberships. They have childcare with a family membership, up to 2 hours everyday. Even though my mom has a treadmill and weights and stuff, I would love the break everyday ;-) so I am going to talk to Aaron about it, thats what I want for Mother's day!

OK, so Layla is waking up and probably needs to eat, so more when I can :)

anxiety, panic, cry--smile!

Wow, the past 2 days I have been all over the emotional map. I have an anxiety disorder. I have since I can remember. I used to be medicated for it with Celexa, xanex, and ambien, and at one point seroquel (that didn't last long, way too fogging the next day). But, when I found out I was pregnant with Kelly I had to stop taking everything. It was very difficult. I found out I was pregnant 3 days before moving cross country back to New York to work my first job as an RN at the University of Rochester, and Aaron left to go away to boot camp for 16 weeks. What an emotional roller coaster that was, my God! It was beyond awful, for so many reasons, between being put on nights when I got off orientation, which was too soon in my opinion, to never being able to talk to Aaron, to being a new nurse that didn't know shit about shit, to living far, far away from my mom and brothers and sisters. Anyways, I got over it, got off the celexa and xanex right quick, because those can cause birth defects, and had to slowly wean off the ambien, but did, and that was fine too. After Kelly was born, I don't think I had like post-partum depression, but definitely some blues. But in any case, I never went back on the meds. Aaron is very anti-psychological illnesses, meaning he doesn't believe depression and PSTD, and things like that really exist, for most people, and he is very skeptical of the medications. He knew I took them, and though never said so, I would bet he never thought I really needed them, especially since I never went back on them completely...I would occasionally take a xanex to take the edge off, like maybe once a month or two, or 1/2 an ambien if I really could not sleep and it had been a couple days in a row like that, but that's really it...I never did mention it to Aaron when I did, mostly because it doesn't feel like he really understands that sometimes those drugs are needed, plus since it was so infrequent, I didn't think it was that big of a thing.
To make a long story short, my anxiety disorder has not been cured and does resurface from time to time. I am definitely better at coping than I used to be, but its still there.

So, any ways. Lately I have been on the brink of some pretty severe anxiety. This all surfaced in absolutely no relation to baby. Well, maybe that contributes to it, sure, but it was not the root cause. In any case, I've been either on the verge of crying or actually doing so. On our walk this morning it was really bad, Layla slept the entire time, and I ended up walking over 3 miles. I would have gone probably twice that, it does help my anxiety, but it was getting hot, and I am still trying to focus on recovery and not calorie burning/weight loss. Plus my pubis symphysis pain & dysfunction is getting worse and worse on a daily basis and I really don't like relying on strong pain meds to relieve the pain enough for me to be comfortable to sleep, plus we have to change our Tricare insurance, so I won't be able to get to a doctor for more medicine anytime soon, so yeah, trying not to need to take it.
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Fast-forward to the evening. Aaron comes home, things are fine. We are trying to go online to pay another large chunk towards my student loans. I graduated owing $45,000, for just the last 2 years of nursing school. (that's what you get when you go to school out of state, and take extra money for vacations while in school and after graduation, ha!). So far over $35,000 has been paid in the last 2 1/2 years. I have enough to pay it now, but for whatever reason, Aaron prefers making smaller, large, payments every few months, in addition to the regular monthly payments. I let him deal with the finances, because I don't really care, he knows more about it than me. I've basically paid about half of it myself, and the other half, or more, Aaron has paid, but since our monies are joint, I guess we've both paid, but you get it. Anyways, so we were trying to make another $5000 payment (the rest will be paid at the end of the summer) and the internet was beings super slow and lame. Then Aaron starting studying for one of his last exams, they are learning dentistry right now, and so Layla woke up, by now it was her usual "witching hour"-but she ate, no problem, even on the right side (she had been rejecting it for about 2 weeks at all daytime feedings), and then chilled for about 30 mins and went back to sleep (praise God!)...

Then, the door bell rings and Aaron gets up and asks me to answer it--so I did, thinking, ok, kinda weird considering he knows I hate answering the door (too many weirdos and serial rapists running loose), but I did. And wouldn't you know it, it was a florist, delivering me flowers! Aaron has never sent me flowers before. He's given me flowers, sure, but never like this! I was instantly so happy-so cliche, but whatever, what girl doesn't love to get flowers?! The note said: I know I'm not perfect, But you're perfect for me...I love you the Mostest!! Love, Dork-Squad Commander --( we have a lot of ridiculous nicknames for each other)----It was basically the sweetest gesture. And, my anxiety gone. I know it will come back, because I have a tendency to remember things that bother me, that I am over, but then it will bother me again later, not as much, and over time it does fade, but it still comes back.

Things are getting better, I can feel it!

Cloth Diapering and fussy baby

I am really looking into cloth diapering from here on out. There are some super cute all-in-one systems, that accommodate sized 9lbs to 40lbs, which would cover our girls until they are potty trained. Kelly could use them now, and by the time she is done, Layla would be big enough for them. We went to the Dogwood Festival here in Fayetteville yesterday and there were tons of stands and such, and I ended up spending a long time talking with the lady from Bumbledoo. www.bumbledoo.com I really like the idea of never having to buy diapers again. Yes, it would be an incredible amount of laundry, however, with babies it is any ways, so what the heck? Plus, its not really the sort of laundry you have to fold, just throw it in a drawer and be done with it. The diapers cost $18.99 each. Other brands are cheaper, and I looked on ebay and there are some awesome deals for "like-new" ones...the only problem is I want to try them before we invest. When I get to CO on Wednesday, I am going to finish researching this and take it to the next step and actually purchase some.

Obviously we want Kelly potty-trained, but not sure when she will be ready for that. I was potty trained on my 2nd birthday, and my sisters by their 2nd B-day's or before...Kelly doesn't quite seem ready yet though, but we could be wrong. She tells us sometimes when she needs to poo and has gone in the toilet, but its not every time by any means. She only weighs like 25#, so she would fit the cloth diapers perfect.

Oooh sweet, dear Kelly. My mom came out the Saturday after Layla was born, (praise the Lord!) and stayed to help out while Aaron was in his surgery rotation. She left last Wednesday with Kelly. I think I mentioned all this already? Any way, I miss her like crazy. But it has been easier without her, can't ignore that fact.

Layla is a typical newborn. She gets quite fussy after 6pm, and sometimes takes in excess of 2 or more hours to sooth. We try everything from nursing, swaddling, rocking, swinging, pacifer, etc. Eventually she tires out and sleeps deep. In fact, tonight it took only 1 hour, but its been about 4 since she last ate, so needless to say I will have to wake her in a couple minutes...Last night I had to wake her, and it took over 20 mins to get her lucid enough to eat. I tried everything from undressing, running water over her skin, finally I suctioned out her mouth, which she hates, and thus she awoke. Then she didn't empty them, so I pumped the rest. All in all, I got <4hours of broken sleep, which is typical. I sometimes feel like I am having trouble caring for her, and that scares me because I know its going to be even harder when I get to CO and have to balence my time and attention again between her and Kelly. Though I will be at my mom's house and they and my family will be around, they shouldn't have to do the care giving, they are my kids after-all...

So today, she was fussed out in the early afternoon. She was well fed and I thought we'd be able to go for a walk like we did the day before (we cover 3 miles!), but she had other ideas. After a mile (not continuous because of all the times I had to stop to quiet her), I brought her home, Aaron was here, I was in tears, and he told me to go by myself and he'd take care of her. I eventually calmed down, as did she, and left the house. I felt like running, so I did, for 20 minutes straight, at about a 10min/mi pace! I actually felt decent for the most part. My uterus, or low-low abs felts WEIRD, but it was fine. So all in all another 3 miles today. Good, considering all the dozens of cookies I have eaten this weekend. I haven't weighed myself in a week...I think I will still wait. I can put on my size 2 pants, but they are tight. I really need to tone up, expecially my stomach, but I know I must be patient about it...its just so hard though. I want to be able to wear my old clothes and feel good in them, not like they are too tight. I'm sick to death of wearing baggy t-shirts.

Alright my breasts feel like they are going to burst. Oh yeah, and I was able to clear the milk ducts and my left breast feels/looks a lot better, yay!
I have more to say, but need to feed my Layla-bug.