Wednesday was my post partum appointment. I am assuming everything "looked" and "felt" fine because the GYN didn't say anything? I know better and should have asked, but I was quite frazzled while I was there, as I usually am, anywhere I am. Lately I have been extremely anxious, and when I am I have like flight of ideas and can't think straight. I filled out a questionnaire about PPD and the results showed that while I don't have post partum depression, I do have anxiety-DUH! ha! So, the doc prescribed some meds for me to try. I took them last night and tonight, and they seem to work I guess...to bad xanex works a lot better :(
I also talked with the doc about birth control, because I was going to start the mini pill, but had second thoughts about it. I really feel like I don't want to have any more children, and while I will miss being pregnant, I will not miss the tears and meltdowns I have been having. So, I have tried to talk with Aaron about him getting a vasectomy, because even he admits that its much less invasive for him to do that, than for me to have a tubal. But he does not think that is necessary. However, I know I don't want to have to take a pill everyday or resort to using condoms, because lets face it, we have never used them before. SO, next Wednesday I am getting the Mirena. It lasts 5 years and by then perhaps Aaron will have the vasectomy or I will get another one. The Mirena only has progesterone in it, just like the minipill, but much less hormone that doesn't get systemic because its only released in the uterus. Hopefully this won't thwart my weight loss efforts, because that would be annoying if after I am done nursing I can't loose these last 5 pounds, but whatever, I really do not need to have another baby, so that's a sacrifice I will have to make.
So yeah, meltdowns. I had a major meltdown last night and the night before. Two nights ago it was bad though. Aaron just left on Monday, and since then I have been anxious beyond belief. I don't get it. I believe in myself and believe I am a strong person, but for some reason I get so ridiculous when he is away. Clearly I have invested way to much into one person, no? Because shouldn't I be able to cope without him? What the hell am I going to do when he is deployed for 6-10 months?!?!?! I've have a nervous breakdown! Right now I mean, I am at my mom's house, I have my mom here, one of my sisters, and 2 of my brothers, and I still have breakdowns? wtf. Sigh. So last night, Layla went to sleep, finally, then I went to bed, and then Kelly wakes up at 1:30AM and doesn't go back to sleep until nearly 5AM!!! Keeping me up with her! It was beyond awful. I was so frustrated with her after having cuddled with her for hours, I yelled at her and then eventually gave up and put her in the pack'n'play (she normally sleeps in a regular twin bed) and then fell asleep for a few more hours until finally getting up at 9AM. And of course Layla woke up every 2 1/2 to 3 hours too, but she ate then went right back to sleep. Sometimes I just want to run away and scream and never look back. Last night could have been a good night, but no, I can never have a good night.
I freaking hate this feeling.
Today is the day I met my husband, 5 years ago. What a love story we have. And tonight he is in Charlotte with his SINGLE friend Joe, at a BAR. :( I really hate when he goes to the bar with his friends. He didn't even tell me until I called him because I realized it was like 11pm his time and I hadn't heard from him for hours. Oh and they took a cab there, so you know they both will be drinking a bit. So he does this after getting pulled over while driving there yesterday for driving over 22 mph OVER the speed limit!? And he gets on my case for spending about $100 on cloth diapers? Give me a freaking break. And have I even had my eyebrows waxed in months or a pedicure? Of course not. Well, that's about to change. Now I am getting myself worked up, and I really shouldn't because I am in no state of mind to be able to filter what I say when I talk to him later. shit.
The things that frustrate me:
-Being away from Aaron
-Kelly's inability to communicate through speech...thank god speech therapy starts again on Wednesday
-my pubic bone pain, thank god I start physical therapy on Wednesday also
-the weekend
-fussy babies
-Kelly waking up during the night
-Me having my "mommy's time-out"
-retaining water
-weighing 123lbs
Maybe I am depressed? There are a few things that point in that direction. I watch so much damn TV, its pathetic. I am still working out though, so that's good. So far this week I have ran like 20 miles and lifted (squats, arms and abs) But then the drink or two I have at night kind of cancels that out too. ::sigh:: That's why I hate the weekend, because there is never anything to watch. I tune out. its how my mom deals with her anxiety and shite, and apparently I am realizing its how I do the same. shit. That's probably why my 2 year old doesn't talk, because I watch to much TV? is that possible? I used to be so good, playing with her allll the time, reading to her, all that stuff. But, she is not into it at all anymore?! I feel like I try with her, but she doesn't seem to have any interest in listening to me or repeating the words I say and the sounds. Its reallllly frustrating. She understands everything I say to her, but she doesn't always talk back. She says S-words, and SH-words really well, but cannot pronounce B-sounds. So, when she says "Bye" she ends up saying "Dye!"--this can turn some heads in public, let me tell you, LOL. oh well, she'll get it some day I hope.
I am tired. Layla just fell asleep again, I am gonna finish my 3rd drink of choice, then set up our room upstairs, then up we go to sleepies. Too bad I won't be able to fall asleep until after I hear from Aaron. shit. Well its a good thing its about 10pm, which means Seinfeld is going to be on for an hour, again...p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. Maybe I should go back to work, when I worked, I had no time for tv, between babies, husband, and house, and working, only time to DVR my favorites, One Life to Live and General Hospital....idk...and OLTL ends next January, fuck. haha.
OK, I am going up. Hopefully the next time I write I will have happy things to say.
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