Happy July

This is the weekend Aaron went to Boston and Worcester, MA instead of Colorado to see us. Both is grandparents are there, along with an aunt/uncle and several cousins. Surprisingly, I really don't care that much that he's not here with us? Probably because I know he is with his family, and having fun, and not that I am having fun per say, it just doesn't bother me this time. Maybe the antidepressants are working? I am just glad he is not with a bunch of his army bachelor friends. I do wish we were there, last year was a blast! His family is so much fun to be around! And I do miss him like crazy, the difference is I'm not crazy this time! And its not like I'm alone, I'm with family too, tho, we're not at a lake water skiing and swimming and BBQing all day. Plus, these girls keep me so busy, I don't have time to throw myself a pity party about it!

Oh, so I have officially hit my goal weight of 118lbs! I should be jumping for joy about it, the only thing is, I was not trying to loose weight, and I certainly didn't plan on hitting it for at least a few more months. My milk supply had been so high, and then today it really bottomed out. I think I was probably pretty dehydrated, its been really hot here and we don't have air conditioning (usually you don't need it here but for maybe a week or two out of the summer), and I feel like I sweat all the time because I am usually holding Layla or Kelly and also constantly moving around. Plus, my stomach is still not toned up either. Its not fat or anything, just still has the looser than usual skin. After Kelly, it seemed like it took forever for it to go back, but I also took a lot longer to loose all the weight then too, the last 5 pounds any ways. Yesterday I took a bath with Kelly and my mom was in the bathroom talking to me and she said I looked anorexic! HA! Yeah right! I know I am looking a little boney, but I am honestly not trying too. I want toneness, not bones. And I have also cut way back on my running. I had been doing 4-6 miles per run, now its 3-5mi, and all much slower than in previous weeks. I am still trying to recover for my pelvic and back pain, so I thought maybe I will run less like my PT said, but it doesn't seem to help. So, today I started back with drinking Ensure milkshake with ice cream! I love them, so de-lish!!! I'd like to keep my weight in the 121-123 range, so I know I am making enough milk for my little lady. Then I am keep running and nursing and not wither away.

In other news, my mom is withering away worse than me. She has lost at least 15 pounds since I got here 2 months ago, thats more than 10% of her body weight. She is only 105! Yes, she is shorter, 5' 4" but it doesn't look right at all. She is starting to freak me and everyone else around her out. She didn't need to loose weight, just maybe tone up, and she is not working out or on a diet, she is just ANXIOUS, and spinning out of control. She has a major anxiety disorder, and her regimen of 1-3 xanex  prn (1mg each) and 2 ambien (10mg each) at HS are not working. She barely sleeps and then is constantly pacing and talking a million miles a minute. Her stress level is through the roof. ::sigh:: I don't know what to do? Part of me thinks I need to take the girls and go back to NC, bc how can us being here be helping? Then the other part says at least if I am here I can watch her? I don't know. She can't sit still long enough to adequately look for a job (lost her job [lost health insurance this past October] last July, lost her good paying job 5 years ago) and I have been trying to help her get rid of junk around the house because sooner or later she is going to loose the house and have to move out of it, and she has a real hard time getting rid of anything. I keep trying to get her to apply for social security disability, because she is definitely in no state of mind to work and at least then she'd qualify for medicaid and could get mental health help, but again, she has yet to sit down and fill anything out. Honestly, I think she needs to just smoke some weed, I am not even kidding. In my professional, registered nurse opinion, that's what she needs so she can chill the heck out and catch up on sleep and then be able to think straight. That's all I got to say about that for now.

We went to Mass today, so tomorrow we will probably go for a walk and hopefully make it to the park. And hopefully I will get my run in too. I used to be so good about taking the girls like on a daily basis, but lately I have been so exhausted, and they don't always nap at the same time, that we haven't been going. I keep making excuses to not go. Terrible mom.... I feel really guilty about it too. I also prefer going with someone else, like my brother or mom or sister, because its hard to get Kelly to go play when I am holding Layla. Also, the sun is so bright and its always so sunny, I don't like Layla getting sun so young, and its hard to keep her covered when I do have to hold her, even in the snuggly, (she doesn't like wearing her awesome tie-dye hat), so thus, we haven't been going but once a week. I seem to be justifying that because Kelly goes to the YMCA childcare, and they play on the playground there, that it counts as playing at the park. Yes I am lame like that. If Aaron was here, it would be a no-brainer, we'd be there everyday. In a couple months it will be much easier I think, when Layla is a bit older and maybe doesn't need to be held so much? Idk.

We have been reading A LOT though. Finally, Kelly is back into letting me read books to her. Her favorite is The Popcorn Shop by Alice Low. Its one of my sister's old books from 1st grade, level 3 reader. Its not even like a book-book, ya know? But she loves it, so that's what matters. I also read her all my old childhood favorites that survived the flooding of the basement. I love the books that rhyme, so I can sing them, HAHA, in my horrible singing voice, but Kelly really enjoys it.

Layla appears to be on a sort of schedule. She still wakes up to eat at least once a night, and then early in the morning and then goes back to sleep for a few hours. Her longest stretch between feeding has been 6 hours, but its usually like 5 or 5.5 at night. During the day she wakes up, eats, then will play with her gym til she fusses or whatever, I changer her, she hangs a few more minutes, then I will walk around holding her, then end up rocking her, which always seems like forever because its in the living room and there is no TV in there-lol- and then I usually try to put her in her swing, and then either the swing eventually swings her to sleep or I rock her to sleep, and the total time she spends awake is about 2 hours. Then I lay her down, usually on the couch,  (in such a way she won't fall off if she rolls) because its a pain to put her all the way upstairs, even with the baby monitor, and she wakes up 30 or 35 mins later, and we start all over again. Obviously, if we go out its totally different, but that's pretty much how it goes. At night she either goes to bed, at 7:45 pm or later, but not much later than 8:30pm. And Kelly goes to bed at 8:30-8:45pm. She had been going to bed at 9, but that's way too late, especially when she kept waking up earlier and earlier. Needless to say, though I don't want to jinx myself, I have gotten my night back for mommy time! And thus my stress level is much lower. And Layla usually doesn't cry too much anymore either, as long as you pick her up and cuddle her, or just talk to her, she is happy!

But I still don't want anymore babies. I would totally be a surrogate, despite all the pubic bone and back pain I still continue to have, but I don't want to do all this other hard stuff again. I love the cuddling, the smiles, the laughing, and that, but I don't like the whining, the crying, and the pooping/peeing/sorta potty training, struggling to breast feed, etc. I could definitely do without all that. So note to self, DON'T have anymore babies!! ok, I'm done thanks. I gotta always remember this.

And Layla LOVES watching her big sister play, and LOVES when her big sister talks to her, its the cutest thing ever! They are going to be best friends, or they will fight all the time, lol, but right now its cute. Kelly still gets crazy, and whines, omg does that girl whine sometimes, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used too, so that's good. She also just got a hair cut today, from Granny of course, and looks so super cute, as usual. She is so curious about everything, I love it! She hasn't started with asking "Why?" yet., but she definitely gets her point across with her facial expressions and "da-da this?" LOL, she is so cute! She is very good at communicating with sign, and making the sounds of certain objects, of which she cannot pronounce the word, such as for vacuum, she makes a vacuum noise. She is a smarty pants, even if she doesn't always say what she is talking about.

Tomorrow is Paige's 3rd Birthday Bash, and we will be going. She is the little girl that gives Kelly all her clothes. I am talking black garbage bags full of clothes! Its great, we save a lot of money thanks to her and her Grandma Arlene (Colleen works with her). It should be a great time, she is so cute!

Oh man, its almost 10:30pm, need to go to bed!

Despite everything I am feeling a lot better, not so depressed about my life...After I find out where we will be moving I might actually have a reason to be depressed, but right now I am going to live in the moment and enjoy life!

Oh crap, now its 10:36pm! ha..bedtime!