thats life.

I don’t even know where to begin. I am so bad at keeping up with blogging. I am thinking about starting a public blog entitled, “The Things we do While Daddy’s Gone”, to highlight the things the girls and I do while Mac has been deployed. It’s mostly all the things we do while he is home, except more outings, more shopping, and more decorating.   

We have also been going to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, a lot. We have a membership and have the Family Plus so we can go plus bring a friend a for free…and also feed the Giraffes and ride the Skyride (have not done this yet). Last weekend the girls and I went to the zoo and brought Nonnie along. We had SOoo much fun! I wish Nonnie would come with us all the time!

Feeding the Giraffes

Kisses! lol

My babies

Mommy and Kelly

Layla and her paci! she's addicted

This is my favorite picture from the day

Yay! Grizzly Bears!

We're in wonderland

First Carousel Ride <3

Kelly wouldn't ride on the "horsey"

I got Kelly signed up for Soccer Buddies, which starts next Thursday, if she enjoys it I will get her signed up officially, and it will be a weekly affair. I also am getting her into the Lowe's children's building club, where they learn about tools and how to build and put things together. She will start that on Feb 11th. Lowe's does their group twice a month, so again, if she likes it, we will get into it. I want her to start dance too, but we will have to hold off until her 3rd birthday in May; the youngest class is for 3-4 year olds. Then of course we do Toddler Time at the Library every Thursday morning, and her Speech Therapy is still Tuesdays and Fridays.

Work is going well. I am back to working 12s, and doing the over-night, which I think I actually like more this time around. I know I do not like working consecutive days; and I know I like that working nights allows me a lot more time with the girls. I feel fine with just a 3-4 hour nap the afternoon before work, and the girls are usually sleeping for at least part of the time any ways. The downside is I come home in the morning when they are usually already awake and want to play. Most of the time I can’t last to Layla’s first nap, or I do and then have a really hard time falling asleep for a nap myself. I do not drink caffeine until I leave for work (non-work days I drink tea or coffee all day, lol), and while I am at work I maybe allow myself 1 coffee around 3am.

Right now I am working at Penrose St. Francis Medical Center, actually its Select Hospital, but they occupy the 6^th floor of Penrose. It’s still per diem through Interim Healthcare, but it’s fine. It’s on an LTAC floor, which is what I used to do in NC a lot of the time, when I wasn’t in the Urgent Care or ICU, so its pretty familiar to me. I really still want to work in Mother-Baby though, so as soon as a job presents itself I won’t hesitate to take it.

One really shitty part about Aaron being gone is the lack of communication. Duh, right? Well, you would think that talking on the phone and skyping and e-mailing would be useful. Well, it would be if both people were into it. Unfortunately, Mac does not write me e-mails, but maybe 3 in the past 7 weeks he’s been gone, let alone read mine—this I know because I logged into his e-mail today and saw 11unread e-mails from me. And as far as skyping goes, we have done that ONCE. I hear from him by phone pretty often, however, since our last conversation I am not surprised to have not heard from him in the past 24 hours.Considering how not-busy he is, and blabla, you'd think he would try to be in better contact with his family here.

The feeling I get from the way he talks about it, it sounds like he absolutely hates his job out there, and is “losing faith” and that he might end up “doing something stupid or dangerous”. I have no idea what exactly that is supposed to mean. He got frustrated with me because I said, “well at least you are safe” and “well, don’t you have guys that you hang out with there, it can’t all be bad?”. He basically told me that I don’t get it, and then quickly wanted to end the conversation and hang up. That’s why I checked his e-mail. I also came across a rather disturbing message he sent, but until I confront him about this I will just keep it to myself. I asked him specifically to check his e-mail me, and respond with specific information I need to get the girls signed up for free respite care and to ensure our spot on the retreat up to Keystone Ski Resort in February...and he has not done it! Its driving me nuts.

My priority is my family—the girls. So yes, forgive me if I am satisfied knowing that he is mostly doing administrative work while he is deployed and not being put into risky, life-threatening situations. I understand he wants to be actually doing what he trained and worked so hard to do, however, he has a wife and 2 little girls that want him to come home alive, in one piece. I am not impressed to say the least. From what it sounds like, he runs like twice a day, goes to the pool on the weekends (and hangs out with other UN, ARMY, and other English speaking men AND WOMEN) and also goes out to eat with these people, including the women. Oh and he is not wearing his wedding ring. I asked him, and he said, “not usually” which obviously means NO.

Call me insecure, call me immature, but I do not think this is appropriate at all. Nor would I ever, under any circumstances do what he is doing. Yes I have trust issues! I basically don't trust men. My real dad cheated on my mom, and has made some many useless promises to me over the years, I don't believe anything he tells me, not has he tried to talk to me in the last 2 years any ways. And I don’t even feel like I can say anything about it, because then he’d probably get mad that I wouldn’t want him to have any “fun” because his life out there “sucks”.

How am I supposed to survive this until sometime in JUNE?

I am so sad right now.

Every day, all day, I have to listen to Kelly asking, “Mommy, call Daddy in Africa? Call Daddy Mommy! Where’s Daddy?”

This fucking sucks. Thank GOD I have my family here. I still can hardly take it though.  I am so depressed. And the medicine is not working at all.

And my damn symphysis pubis still hurts and my low back (SI joints) make me feel like I am breaking apart.

I don’t get to run twice a day, I don’t even get to run every day. I don’t get to do what I want to do, or work where I want to work, or hangout with who I want to hang out with.  That’s life!